


Whatever.

by nameless_wanderer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Jared's POV, Not quite a fix-it fic between Jared and Evan, Post-Canon, takes place after so big/so small, when the fuck did matt holzer become such a big part of this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-11-18 13:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11291835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: Jared didn't give a shit about Evan. He was no longer fooled by his anxious persona, he had left Jared behind. So Evan told Murphy's the truth. So what? Why was that Jared's problem?  Why did Jared have to do anything? If Evan asked for his help... just... whatever.





	1. Something Off

It was that time of the school year where the days started to blur together; every day began and ended in the same way, nobody was entirely sure what day of the week it was, and there was just a feeling of monotony, an inability to escape the routine. For Jared, that routine was pretty much the same every day: wake up just a little bit late, get ready for the day, rush out the door with a handful of some kind of cereal, go to class, go home, watch TV, work on homework, ignore Alana on the group chat, go to sleep. It was simple. It was predictable. It was mind-numbingly dull. But this was the routine he had settled into.

So even though it made no sense, waking up five minutes before his alarm was supposed to go off fucked with any sense of normalcy and complacency he had.

He could've easily ignored it, rolled over, and attempted to sleep for five more minutes, but honestly what was the point? He yawned then got out of bed, mind on autopilot as he went through his morning routine. He had showered, washed his face, and was halfway through brushing his teeth before it finally occurred to him that something was off. He stopped mid-brush, and examined himself in the mirror with a frown. Why was today different, he wondered. Puzzled, he finished brushing, spit out the toothpaste, and continued down to the kitchen.

He ignored his mother's slightly shocked look as he joined her at the breakfast table with a bowl of cereal. Like, an actual bowl with milk in it, and an actual spoon. "Has my son really decided to grace me with his presence at breakfast?" his mother chided. He shot her a tired look of amusement. "When was the last time you had an actual bowl of cereal?"

He giggled in his sleepy haze. "Millenials are killing the cereal industry," he said between bites.

His mother stared, unsure how to respond to this seemingly nonsensical statement. She decided switching topics would be easier. "Your room's looking a little messy. Clean it up when you get home." Jared grunted in response. She gave him a stern look. "Your room will be clean when I get home.  _Right?_ "

He rolled his eyes but nodded. "Fine." The two sat in silence for several minutes, not uncomfortable but not fully comprehending the change in routine. Jared glanced at the clock and. Egan shoveling the remaining cereal in his mouth. "I gotta go," he said, mouth full. He stood up, grabbed his bowl, and began hastily cleaning up everything he had gotten out for breakfast.

"Alright. I'll see you later, honey. Have fun at school."

He nodded at her as he headed out the door. Although one thing was certain: school would most definitely not be fun.

* * *

 

Jared's school routine was also incredibly boring. Namely, he hung out by his locker until the warning bell rang, then went to all of his classes, half-assed the work in his classes, ate lunch at a table with some classmates that he didn't completely hate, finished classes, and went home. His schedule didn't allow much free time for socialization, barring the occasional appearance from Alana about some treasurer business or something equally insipid. Not that Jared minded. He didn't really like many of his classmates to begin with; most of his friends were from camp, and he preferred to not get involved with the affairs of his peers. So arriving to school early completely threw that off. It wasn't that he needed to talk to others, but it seemed the decent thing to do when some random jock who could beat him senseless tried to initiate some kind of friendly conversation. And ever since the Connor Project, there seemed to be a surplus of those. 

After carefully ducking down well placed hallways to avoid people he'd rather not see, he breathed a sigh of relief when he reached his locker, believing the hardest part to be over. However, upon closing his locker door, he saw the one person who he'd talk to a thousand jocks to avoid. Evan Hansen wasn't looking at him, didn't make any sort of acknowledgement. Just stood and stared at something across the hall. Jared sighed. He wanted fuck all to do with Evan at the moment. Unfortunately there was still that little student group that he had stupidly agreed to join, so avoiding him entirely was not exactly an option. He waited for Evan to start talking, but he said nothing.

Jared sighed and rolled his eyes. He'd had enough of this. "Are you gonna say anything or are you just gonna stand there with that deer in the headlights look?"

Evan almost jumped, apparently startled by Jared's voice. "Oh, Jared. Sorry, I-I… I didn't see you there."

Jared raised an eyebrow. "Really? You didn't see me standing here? By my locker?" Evan blushed and looked down. Which made Jared…ugh. Whatever. "Is it the Connor Project? Now you need my help for the orchard?"

"We, um… we passed the fundraising goal."

"Oh." Jared looked at him. Shouldn't Evan be… ecstatic at this news? Now there are more trees or Connor's memory is preserved or blah blah whatever Evan thought the orchard was good for. "Why the hell didn't anybody tell me?"

"Alana didn't text you?"

"Alana hasn't talked to me in a while." Evan didn't have any sort of response, which somehow made Jared more infuriated. "So good, we did it. What's next? What awful ideas do you have for the Connor Project."

Evan cut him off. "I think I'm going to resign as co-president."

Jared's eyes widened. "No. You're not leaving me to fend for myself against Alana fucking Beck. And for what? Just so you can spend time with your girlfriend—"

"Zoe and I aren't… we…"

Jared furrowed his brows, almost annoyed. "You and Zoe broke up?" Evan timidly nodded. "Why?! What could've possible gone wrong?"

"I told them."

Jared blinked, taken aback. "Shit."

Evan just kinda nodded absentmindedly. "I…Alana was figuring it out…so I sent the-the letter. And she kinda, well she shared it. Everywhere, it was everywhere and-and-and…and they said horrible things about the Murphy's. And they were arguing, and-and fighting, and blaming each other for Connor's death so… I couldn't-I couldn't—I told them."

"Wait, that's why we surpassed the fundraising goal? Because Alana shared—"

"Uh-huh."

"And Zoe broke up with you over that?"

Evan looked down, mumbling. "Not exactly, but she won't look at me or speak to me or answer my texts."

"So… are they gonna tell people?" Evan shrugged. Jared shook his head. "Ok, we are waiting this out and not doing anything rash. You are not resigning from the Connor Project, I'll be damned before I'm alone with Alana Beck in a student group. Just…just act like nothing's happened. Figure out what to do with the orchard just…keep going. Ok? Do not tell anyone else about this."

"…I'm sorry Jared." Jared didn't respond. He just walked towards his first period. So _now_ Evan was sorry? Yeah, right. Just… whatever.

Despite his entire morning being thrown off, he continued through the day listening to his own advice: act like nothing's happened. He just sat in classes, continually bored. He ate lunch, snarking some answers at people who asked about the orchard, and finished his classes. He rushed home as fast as he could. He closed the door and sighed, exhausted by everything. He shook his head, walked to the family room, shrugged off his backpack and turned on the TV. Despite the humor in the show, he just couldn't get into it. He frowned, frustrated. He went up to his room, thinking he might be able to get some work done on the computer. As he walked into his room, he realized that it was actually…kinda messy. Without any explanation, he felt compelled to straighten up. He picked dirty clothes up off the floor, organized and put away some things on the floor, he didn't quite make his bed but he straightened it up a little bit.

Fifteen minutes later he stood in the doorway, looking at his clean(ish) room and wondering what the fuck came over him. At least his mother would be pleased. He sighed and sat on his bed opening his laptop. Naturally, there were several messages from the group project. He was tempted to roll his eyes and ignore it. But instead, something caused him to click on the chat and see what was being said.

 

> ** The Connor Project **
> 
> **Alana Beck**
> 
> We passed our fundraising goal! Amazing!
> 
> We need to focus on what to do next
> 
> We have so much momentum, we need to keep pushing forward with the Connor Project.
> 
> Evan?
> 
> Evan look I know you're mad at me.
> 
> I did what had to be done.
> 
> We got to our fundraising goal, didn't we?
> 
> You'll see that this is a good thing.
> 
> Jared, I can tell you're reading these for once.
> 
> Back me up here. We have to do something with the Connor Project.

 

Jared mentally hit himself. He shouldn't have opened it. He should just exit and ignore it…but he didn't.

 

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> fuck no
> 
> im not gonna "back u up"
> 
> u did a fucked up thing
> 
> u published a dead kids suicide note
> 
> that note was only meant for evan
> 
> do u realize just how shitty that is
> 
> how much of a dick move that is
> 
> no
> 
> evan gets to be mad at u right now
> 
> we dont have to do anything
> 
> and right now u should probably stop bothering him
> 
> hes been through enough
> 
> and from what i hear u owe the murphy's a fuckin huge apology

 

To Jared's surprise, the chat remained silent for the rest of the night. He got to work on homework. When his mom came home she was surprised to find him in his now clean(er) room working on homework. She smiled and said he should come down for dinner soon. He just nodded and confirmed. After she left, he set his books down and pulled out his phone. He had a single message.

 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Thank you. I'm sorry.

 

 Jared shook his head and locked his phone. He headed downstairs, helped with dinner, and continued the night as he normally did. It was that time of the school year where the days started to blur together; every day began and ended in the same way, nobody was entirely sure what day of the week it was, and there was just a feeling of monotony, an inability to escape the routine. But something had changed that day in Jared's routines. It threw him off. He didn't know how to feel about it.

And he was distinctly aware that it was a Wednesday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so new fic, alternate title: I like writing Jared way too much. This will likely not become a Kleinsen fic, I kinda wanna stick closer to canon, but it is about the friendship between them. What Evan and Jared will have to do to become friends, what happens to the Connor Project, etc. Won't be too long, just a few chapters, but a lot will happen in just a few chapters, and I'm excited to write this!
> 
> Please come talk to me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo. Hope you like the fic!


	2. A Bad Idea

Jared would've really preferred to ignore the hiccup that was last Wednesday. He really would've loved to settle back into the monotony of the middle of the semester, really. But ever since Evan told him that the Murphy's knew, his entire life felt like a ticking time bomb. It seemed everywhere he turned he heard a constant tick… tick…

He didn't want to hear the boom.

He'd tried waiting. And it wasn't working. He was getting more frustrated. Alana had remained mercifully quiet for the most part, merely updating them on what was happening with the orchard rather than trying to force Evan to get involved. Evan had mercifully not resigned as co-president, and the three founders of the Connor Project maintained a chilly but cooperative silence. Jared was honestly fine if the project just stopped, if everything ended. What he wasn't fine with was the fact that Alana still hadn't done anything about the note. She'd left it up, but she hadn't said anything about it since initially posting it. And he definitely wasn't fine with the fact that at any second it could all blow up, that Evan Hansen would go down. Because if Evan Hansen went down, Jared would be the first person he dragged down with him.

It was with all of this and a lot more running through his head that on Monday morning, he walked straight up to Evan Hansen at his locker and asked, "Ok, what the fuck is going on?"

Evan nearly jumped at the question. "Wha-whaddoyou—" Evan coughed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it's been nearly a week since Alana released the note and since you just _had_ to tell the Murphy's—"

"I did have to tell them, Jared, ok? I couldn't—I couldn't keep lying to them, I couldn't have them thinking that-that-that it was their fault, ok?"

"I'm not interested in your excuses or your explanations, ok? I'm worried about the fact that any day the Murphy family could come forward and send everything into chaos. Every action will be questioned, everything you built will come tumbling down."

"Well-well what am I supposed to do? Huh?"

"Gee, I don't know, have you actually tried, perhaps, _talking_ to Zoe?"

"That's not—No, I… I can't do that. You know I can't do that."

Jared scoffed. "Really? You can't or you won't?"

Evan slammed his locker door. "What am I supposed to say? Even if, even if I could talk to, even if she didn't hate my guts and never want to speak to me again, what would I say? 'Oh, hi Zoe, sorry again about _lying_ to you for like several months straight and exploiting your brother's suicide, and by the way, please don't tell anybody about that, even though the letter has caused people to send literal death threats to your family!' Really? How well do you think that will go over Jared?"

Jared stood there, expression unchanging. He'd never show it on his face, but Evan's outburst had him taken slightly aback. He guessed he shouldn't be surprised. The last time he'd really talked to Evan, he'd completely flown off the handle, yelling at Jared, saying he had no friends. That had hurt. But he didn't care about that anymore. Whatever. He cared about saving his own ass. And unfortunately to do that, he had to save Evan's sorry ass too.

"Fuck it, if you're not going to talk to her, I will." With that, Jared began walking away.

"No. Jared, come on. Jared! This is a bad idea!" But Evan's pleas fell on deaf ears. Jared just kept walking towards the band hallway. Sure enough, he found Zoe waiting by her locker, staring off into space. He waited a little bit next to her. When she didn't notice, he cleared his throat. She looked up, as if suddenly thrown back into reality from some journey deep in her mind.

"Oh. Hey Jared."

"Hey Zoe." The two weren't really friends. More connected by Evan. Who was now neither of their friends.

"Sorry, I've just been…busy I guess. Little distracted."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, we don't really know each other. Look, we need to talk."

"Right now? Class starts any minute."

"About Evan." Zoe's polite smile fell, and they looked each other dead in the eyes for a few seconds, unyielding in an unspoken battle about something neither fully understood, but wanted to avoid losing at all costs. Zoe was the first to break.

"Follow me." Jared struggled to keep up as she made her way down the twisted hallways in the small music wing of the school. They eventually wound up in a smallish room behind a heavy door.

"Never been in this room before…" Jared mumbled.

"Practice room," Zoe answered sharply. "Evan and I broke up."

"I know."

"Are you going to ask why? Or try and convince me it was a mistake?"

"Honestly I don't give a shit about who you date. And I never really thought you two would make a good couple."

"Then why…" She looked at him, trying to understand. He kept a neutral expression. And suddenly her eyes became wide with understanding. "…Did you know?" He nodded. She almost laughed at this, though Jared realized she found it anything but funny. "Great. Fucking perfect. Bet you were just laughing your ass off at how gullible I was." Jared said nothing. That wasn't what happened. But he didn't get to defend himself right now. Not after what he did. "Who else knew?"

"It was just me."

"Really? Evan didn't tell anyone else?"

"I don't fucking know, maybe his mother after she saw the note? But this is Evan Hansen we're talking about. Does he really seem like the person who would tell people about this? Let alone _has_ people to tell this to?"

Zoe shrugged. "It turns out I didn't really know him, did I?"

"I guess I didn't either."

"Nobody else knew? Alana?"

"Completely clueless. Until she started realizing the inconsistencies in his story."

"So does she—"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

Zoe sighed. "So what? What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I'm here to give you some advice."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Telling people the truth now is a bad idea."

Zoe scoffed. "So you came here… to defend Evan, to help out your friend—"

"He's not my friend. And I'm just trying to warn you not to tell everyone what you know."

"And why the fuck shouldn't I? He came into our lives and completely wrecked it. He ruined everything."

"The one who completely wrecked everything was Connor."

"Fuck you."

"Nothing good comes from telling people now. What are you hoping to get from telling everybody?"

Zoe grunted in frustration. "I don't know. Vindication? Exposing Evan Hansen as an asshole and a liar? Stopping strangers from attacking my family over a tragedy that we're the victims of? Isn't that worth something?"

"Maybe. But do you really think it's that simple? What do you think actually happens after you reveal everything?"

"I don't know. Things go back to normal?"

"You know as well as I do there's no normal now. Everything is upside-down and nothing will get rid of that aching feeling in your stomach, especially since Evan was an important part of your readjustment. He was part of your new normal."

"Fine! If you're so smart, what do you think happens after we tell people? Why won't it make everything just stop?"

"I know what happens, and you're going to hate the answer, but I hope you're going to realize I'm right." He took a deep breath. "First of all, it's important to note that what's happening to you and your family is completely fucked up and undeserved, but the immediate cause of that isn't Evan. It's Alana. She published the note, which regardless of true nature of the note is a fucked up thing to do when Evan probably specifically told her not to share. But she hasn't said anything about the reaction to the note, she hasn't publicly acknowledged the potential problems with sharing something that sensitive, and she hasn't apologized to you or your family. So, yeah, Evan fucked up, no doubt about it, but Alana isn't blameless and she owes you a huge apology."

"Yeah, so? What's your point?"

"That it's easy to point to Evan as the sole root of the problem, when really it's a much more complicated system of causes. So what happens to this complicated system when you send a shockwave like 'Evan Hansen didn't know Connor Murphy' through it? First of all, a lot of people are really attached to the story. They don't just _need_ Evan to have been Connor's best friend, they'll refuse any explanation that doesn't match up with the one they have currently. And they'll just double down on attacking your family, saying you made it up to put pressure off of you, and they'll accuse you of betraying Evan, your dead brother's best friend."  
"So that's a few people who'll do that. So what?"

"The people who do believe that Evan wasn't Connor's friend might still not believe you. They'll accuse you of hiding the truth from the beginning, lying to make your family see better."

"How many people are actually going to think that?"

"You'd be surprised. And let's say they completely believe you and your family. Do you think they're just going to go after Evan? They're going to go after anyone associated with the Connor Project. Alana, the entire school really—"

"You?"

"Yeah. To a lesser extent."

Zoe thought about it. "So you're trying to save your own reputation?"

Jared nodded. "Pretty much."

"Unbelievable." She shook her head. "I think I can survive backlash from, what, a fraction of the people we're getting hate from now?"

"Except it's dying down now. Telling people will reignite it. And more importantly, even if you don't get that much backlash, what does it mean for the Connor Project if people find out the truth?"

She rolled her eyes and shrugged. "That one of the co-presidents is a liar?"

"Exactly."  
"What are you getting at here? Why is that bad?"

"If Evan lied, then the Connor Project is a lie. If he and Connor weren't friends, then nobody was there for Connor when he needed it. If he and Connor weren't friends, then nobody was there when Evan fell and broke his arm. And nobody came running. And he _was_ alone, so nothing Connor did mattered, and nothing Evan did matters, nothing Alana is trying to do matters, nothing I do—" he choked up and stopped himself. "Well, we knew that one already."

"Ok, fine, stop, I see what you're saying."

"I hate to say it, but people _need_ to believe all the bullshit Evan has been saying is true. And with the truth, that all goes away. You're not just hurting Evan by telling the truth, or me, or yourselves. You're hurting everyone who needs to believe they're not alone. So?"

Zoe stared at him for a few seconds before shaking her head. "Fine. Fucking fine. I'll think about it. But not for Evan's sake."

"Of course not, fuck Evan."

"Why are you being harsher on him than usual? I mean, it's not like he lied to you this entire time."

Jared blinked. "Maybe he did."

"Ok then." The two stood in awkward silence for a few seconds. But there was still so much left to be answered. "Ok, I have to know: if you knew the entire time, why didn't you tell me? Why couldn't you just… why Jared?"

He looked away from her. "Because then I would've had to tell you I'm the one who told Evan to lie."

Zoe furrowed her brow in anger. "You told him… to lie?"

"Well, I didn't say he should tell the truth that's for certain. What Evan said is on him, but I certainly may have encouraged the process."

"Why the fuck—"

"Because he was so worried about hurting you. Your family. He said your mom was so sad in the office. Hearing the truth about that letter would've destroyed her."

"It did." Zoe shook her head. "Fuck. It hurt us all." She winced. "But I'm also pretty sure that lie is the only thing that kept my parents together." Jared shrugged. He grabbed his backpack and moved to leave. "Why did you help Evan?"

"I thought I made it clear, I'm doing this for myself. We're not friends."

"No, not…like I mean, with the whole situation."

Jared shrugged. "He literally had no one else to talk to. He gave me twenty bucks the first time."

"And the other times?" Jared ignored her and turned around to open the door. "You know, for someone who claims that you're not his friend you sure do an awful lot for Evan."

He stopped, handle on the door. "…Whatever." He opened the door and left the practice room, determined to just be ambivalent to whatever else this shitty day was going to throw at him.

* * *

 

Just before going to bed, Jared received a photo message. The photo was of a text conversation between two people. It was accompanied with a small caption and two short texts quickly following it.

 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> _Evan sent a photo:_
>
>> **Zoe Murphy**
>> 
>> I'm still fucking pissed at you
>> 
>> Right now I never want to see you again
>> 
>> But also I talked with my parents and
>> 
>> We're not gonna tell anybody
>> 
>> You know, about the letter. The huge lie.
>> 
>> How our entire relationship was built on deception
>> 
>> So you can relax about that if it was bothering you.
>> 
>> Still fucking hate you though
>> 
>> But it's not worth it.
> 
>  _Caption:_ Did you have anything to do with this?????
> 
> Thank you
> 
> I'm sorry

 

Why the fuck did Evan have to say that every time? He shook his head, sighed, and rolled back over in bed. Jared had become convinced that he was going to have to do everything, solve everyone's problems. Whatever. He could worry about that tomorrow. And before falling asleep, he wondered what problems tomorrow would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to do this chapter ages ago, but I lost motivation lol. I have a direction for this story, but not like a specific sequence of events. I know the general ending once we get there, but in the meantime I'm just trying to figure out how to get there. I have some ideas, but if you have any I'm open to suggestions. Thanks for reading, thanks for comments and kudos, if you want to discuss deh or "whatever" or another fic (doesn't even have to be written by me) please hit me up on tumblr, username is official-didney-worl-elmo. Until next time.


	3. Apologies

Jared wasn't that bad of a student. It was just that the combined efforts of terrible teachers, bullshit curriculums, and arbitrarily decided core classes made him a little frustrated with the education system. But even today he found it harder than usual to follow along. He was in class. He thought it was math? But it wasn't his math teacher. And the symbols on the board were indecipherable. Just trying to focus on them hurt his brain, so he didn't focus on them. He couldn't even really focus on the words coming out of the teacher's mouth. He was just waiting for the soft, electronic dinging to announce the end of the day. He stared at the clock, but the hands weren't moving at all. Like, at all. He could swear he had just stared at the hands for ten minutes straight, and they didn't move an inch. He couldn't even properly tell the time.

All of a sudden the bell rang, and the other students filed out. He looked back at the clock, only to find the hands had completely changed positions. He shook his head, grabbed his bag and walked out of the classroom. He sighed and walked to his locker, inexplicably feeling completely done with everything. He opened his locker, then stared at it in confusion. He was very clearly on the second floor, but wasn't his locker on the first floor. He frowned, but put his books in his locker. For some reason, he found himself shoving his backpack into his locker too. He didn't have much time to think over this action when Alana appeared next to him.

"Hi Jared!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Not now Alana." He shut the locker door and began walking down the stairs.

"But I have something important to ask you about the Connor Project!" Alana persisted, following him down the stairs.

"I literally could not care less." He quickened his pace as he saw the exit across the strangely empty halls. "Stop following me!"

"But I really need to talk to you! See, it turns out we need more money to open the orchard, and—"

"The hell are you talking about? We reached the goal, we're in the process of opening—"

"They told me it wasn't enough. We need more."

Jared exhaled. "Shit. How much more do we need?"

"Fifty thousand dollars."

"Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw." He pushed open the doors, eager to get to his car and drive away. "Text me the details later."

"We need to talk about this now, Jared!"

"No, we don't." Jared didn't think much about the fact that the doors to exit the school had led him to the orchard. The sight of Evan and Zoe in the distance, holding hands and leaning in for a kiss was much more confusing and concerning to him. "What the fuck?"

"Aww, Jared, they're cute together."

"They broke up."

"Well clearly they're back together."

"I promise you there's no plausible explanation for why they would be back together."

"Why do you care so much?"

"I don't. Just they were a shitty couple and I thought I was done with this bullshit." Alana eyed him curiously. "No, there's no way in hell they would get back together."

"Why not?"

"Because…it's complicated."

"Jared, I know Evan lied." He turned to Alana in horror. Her face seemed dull and blank. "We have to tell people the truth."

"You know what a bad idea that is."

"We have to tell them the truth," she repeated.

"Then why were you saying we needed more money to open the orchard?" He caught a glimpse of Evan and Zoe, still kissing, out of the corner of his eye, and for some reason every part of his being knew something was _wrong_. Them together was _wrong_ , the way they were kissing was _wrong_ , it was all _wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong—_ "I gotta stop them!" He ran across the field and yanked Evan away from Zoe.

"Jared?"

"What the fuck are you doing? Are you two back together or something? Even you have to realize what a fantastically shitty idea that is!"

Evan laughed. "Why do you care, I thought the only reason you talked to me was your car insurance." It didn't even register with Jared he was back at school, alone with Evan in the middle of the highway.

He had heard this before. He felt he knew how it ended. But he also knew he couldn't change the outcome, or how he was feeling. "So?"

"So maybe the only reason you talk to me Jared is 'cause you don't have any other friends!"

The words stung, but were tinged with an uncomfortable familiarity. "I could tell everyone, _EVERYTHING!_ " He shouted this as loud as he could, not knowing why, and not caring that it didn't seem to hurt his throat even slightly.

"OK GREAT THEN GO AHEAD, DO THAT! TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU HELPED WRITE EMAILS PRETENDING TO BE A KID WHO KILLED HIMSELF!"

Jared stepped back. He wanted Evan to not have said that, to do anything to indicate he was sorry, to undo the last two minutes of his life. More than anything, I wanted to prevent himself from saying whatever he was about to say. But he knew he was going to shout at Evan, choking up, voice cracking, eyes filled with tears.

"FUCK YOU EVAN! ASSHOLE!"

Jared sat up in his bed, startled awake by his own words. He rubbed his head, trying to process his dream, but it was already fading, the only thing he could remember was reliving the screaming match and seeing Evan and Zoe and just feeling so inexplicably _wrong_.

"What the fuck?"

* * *

 

As Jared entered school that morning, he muttered to himself, "What bullshit will I have to deal with today?" He realized immediately that he shouldn't have said it or even thought it. Phrases like that were a magnet for difficult bullshit that he would have to deal with because, if he was being honest, nobody else was going to deal with it. He hoped that he could sail through literally just a few more days without some new calamity. The dream that had woken him up had set him on edge, and he wasn't keen on dealing with any new crises (crisises?) that might come up. He was cautious all throughout the first few periods of the day, occasionally glancing around as if someone was about to screw something up any second.

But by the time he got to lunch, he let his guard down. He was calming down, nothing bad was going to happen, he was just a little high strung from everything he'd been dealing with. He was probably overthinking things. And then he saw Alana, handing something out to every student that passed, and he sighed, angry but unsurprised. He barged over, catching bits of what Alana was saying as he approached.

"…the Connor Project website! Tell us your thoughts and ideas! Contact us at the Connor Project website! Have a nice day! We at the Connor Project need your input, tell us what you want to see from us! Oh, hi Jared! Wanna help me hand out Connor Project pamphlets?"

"Are you fucking serious Alana?"

"Jared!" Jared shook his head. He wasn't doing this here. He grabbed her roughly by the wrist and led her down several hallways, despite her protests, until he reached a computer lab. He knew nobody would be there during lunch. He turned on the light and closed the door.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing out there?"

"I'm raising awareness! If we wait too long we're going to lose momentum we got from the orchard kickstarter."

"How do you not realize that is literally the entire problem? You're smarter than me!"

"I don't get what you're saying."

Jared slapped his hands against their face, slowly sliding them down his face until he was holding them together beneath his chin, looking up as if in prayer. Though Jared imagined any god he prayed to would be a god of stupidity, helping him with these peers who were supposed to know better. Alana Beck was the smartest senior and yet somehow overlooked the most basic details of human decency. He exhaled and clasped his hands together at his stomach.

"You, Alana Beck, did a fucked up thing."

"But I—"

"You shared Connor Murphy's suicide note. Online. With the whole world."

"The world needed to see it. It was what pushed the fundraising goal over the edge!"

"But you did it against the wishes of his loved ones."

"It wasn't against their wishes—"

"That note was addressed to Evan. There's no way he was ok with you sharing that."

"Well he implicitly agreed—"

"What did he say when you told him you wanted to share it?"

"…He told me nobody else was supposed to see it. He told me not to do it."

"What did the Murphy family say when you told him you wanted to share the note?"

Alana looked away. "Well, I didn't really, um, ask them…"

"So you published this note without permission from the person it was addressed to or the family. Do you get how messed up that is? Like do you get that?" Alana nodded, hesitant. "Evan wanted to quit the Connor Project over this. Like, do you understand that if he quit all of the work you've done with this just goes away, nothing that happened matters? As if that wasn't bad enough, you publishing this note has made the Murphy family the targets of hateful comments and actual real threats. And yet no apology has been issued, public or private, to any of the parties involved. It's been a week Alana. What the fuck is up with that?"

Alana stared at the floor. "How do I apologize for this? I didn't realize what I had done until…until I saw what I had done. So I've been trying to push forward with the Connor Project, and just… forget all of this, move on."

Jared sighed. "I'm getting impatient, Beck. You need to remove the note, issue an official apology on the website, and make a sincere apology, both to Evan and to the Murphy's. I'll give you until tonight." He walked towards the door. "Look this was always gonna suck. But I know how much this means to you. You know what you need to do." He walked out the door, leaving Alana in the computer lab. He shook his head, going through the back entrance to the library. He couldn't eat in the cafeteria today. He was just too tired, just too… whatever.

* * *

 

Jared was working on homework again, when he got a notification on his phone, as per frickin usual anymore. It was an update to the Connor Project. He unlocked his phone and looked at the post.

 

> ** The Connor Project **
> 
> Dear Friends,
> 
> One week ago, I published the suicide note of Connor Murphy. I did so against the wishes of addressee Evan Hansen and without the permission of the Murphy family. My actions have caused great pain to everyone involved with this tragic incident, and I would like to apologize. I thought my actions were for the best, but with the good that came in the form of reaching our kickstarter goal, there were many negative side effects, namely the mistreatment of the Murphy family. The Connor Project does not condone any actions taken against the Murphy family; Connor was struggling with issues that we may never fully understand, and nobody can say with certainty what the best course of action would've been. We may never know why Connor did what he did, but attacking the Murphy family based on meaningless conjecture and an oversimplification of a complex issue is not constructive to preserving the memory of Connor or helping those like him.
> 
> In an attempt to be respectful to the Murphy family as well as take a small step to apologize for what I've done, I've removed the letter. I know I cannot undo what I did, but I would like to make up for my mistake. I know it won't be as simple as deleting a letter, but I think this is a necessary first step.
> 
> Thank you for following the Connor Project, your support means a lot to us. We'll have updates about the orchard soon, but this was a necessary post to make.
> 
>  
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Alana Beck
> 
> Co-President of The Connor Project

 

"Shit. She did it." Jared breathed a sigh of relief. Another problem, solved, almost entirely by Jared. He chuckled to himself. He should consider a career in mediation. If that was a thing. He almost missed his message tone. Almost

>  
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> So Alana apologized
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> i know
> 
> i saw the page
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> No like personally
> 
> To me and my parents
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> huh
> 
> took her long enough
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Cut the bullshit Jared
> 
> I know you did this
> 
> I know you talked to her.
> 
> You didn't have to do that.
> 
> So why did you?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> bc its fucked up that she didnt apologize immediately
> 
> its fucked up that she posted it in the first place
> 
> ive done some fucked up things that i can never undo or make right
> 
> do i really need a reason to stop acting like such a dick now
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Well thanks I guess
> 
> You seem awful concerned for somebody who doesn't give a shit about Evan
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> i didnt do it 4 evan
> 
> i did it 4 ur family
> 
> not that were friends either but
> 
> i think ive done enough shitty things to ur family to warrant trying to do some good things
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Well Alana apologized to Evan too I think
> 
> Your reaction?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> whatever

 

Jared still didn't give a shit about Evan Hansen. But he realized Evan had been messaging a lot. And he always read Evan's messages immediately

 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Alana apologized
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> I'm sorry

 

Jared scowled and shook his head. Not this time. Not this fucking time.

 

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> stop fucking saying that
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> ?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> u keep fucking saying that
> 
> sorry
> 
> but u dont fuckin kno what ur apologizing for
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Oh.
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> u wanna tell me ur sorry
> 
> tell me y ur sorry
> 
> bc im not accepting this bullshit when u dont know what ur sorry for
> 
> dont message me that word unless ur actually sorry about something
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Ok
> 
> Sorry for apologizing with no reason all the time.

 

Jared sighed, put his phone down, and turned back to his homework, desperate to avoid any more drama with the Connor Project for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me forever to finally write this. I have a little bit of a more concrete plan. It may involve a fair amount of angst. I will not apologize for art.  
> Pls talk to me on tumblr at official-didney-worl-elmo.tumblr.com i love talking about musical theater and dear evan hansen and my ocs too. Thank u for comments and kudos, i love what you all have to say (sorry this isnt an AWE one shot lol) i dont know what else to say im tired and have to wake up super early tomorrow byeeeee.


	4. Bathroom Conversations

The rest of the week was surprisingly dull, thank god. Alana had Jared do some small things to help prepare the reopening of the orchard, but they were simple enough that he didn't mind doing them, especially since she apologized. He passed Evan a few times in the halls. They didn't talk the rest of the week which is… whatever. Jared was fine with it. Somehow, Friday rolled around pretty quickly and he was done for the week. He was done with school. He miraculously had almost no homework, and it wasn't like he's a huge socialite or anything, so his weekend was free to just unwind. Technically, he was invited to Matt Holzer's party, but he wasn't too interested in going to that. Besides, he'd rather binge watch something on Netflix anyway.

He had about a dozen shows he'd been meaning to check out, but couldn't decide on which one to watch. Eventually he remembered that he never actually caught up on _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_ completely, and settled down to watch that one. It was something of a guilty pleasure show, but he couldn't get enough of it. A Jewish protagonist, realistic character development, awesome songs, what more could he want from it?

He was about halfway through season two when his message tone went off. He realized he shouldn't be surprised by the person messaging him, but he still was for some reason.

 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Im sory
> 
> About evrythign
> 
> Makin u helpp me
> 
> Turning yoru invtiatiin down
> 
> Geting angry aboit the orchard
> 
> Saying you hav no frends
> 
> Yelling at you
> 
> I''m sorry
> 
> I'm so sotty
> 
> *sorry
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> wow
> 
> um
> 
> i wanna take this srsly
> 
> but thats a lotta typos there
> 
> kinda hard to take sincerely
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> No i  ean it
> 
> Mean it
> 
> I was awful
> 
> I was s bad friend
> 
> nd i mad yuo do the coner projrct
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> c, the typos just seem like ur making fun of me
> 
> & i dont feel like ur putting effort into this apology
> 
> srsly
> 
> whats w/ the typos?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Im sory
> 
> I'm sorey
> 
> M sorry
> 
> I'm sorry
> 
> I'm sorry
> 
> I'm sorry
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> calm down hansen
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Im soory
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> jesus christ evan i forgive u
> 
> whats going on what r u doing
> 
> y all the typos?
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Umm mm
> 
> Matt Holzer imvitdd me to a party?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> wait
> 
> r u drunk
> 
> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> !!!!!!1!!!1!!!111!!!!!!
> 
> No!!!!
> 
> No
> 
> O
> 
> No
> 
> No
> 
> N o
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> fucking hell evan
> 
> stay rite there

 

Jared locked his phone, ignoring the chorus of no's and typos from Evan, grabbing a jacket and rushing down the stairs into the living room, where his mom is just finishing some movie up.

"Mom, I have to go, I'm taking the car, I'll be back soon." He's about to rush out the door, but she stands up and gives him a confused look.

"Hold on a second, just where do you think you're going at ten fifteen at night?"

Jared had only a moment to decide whether he was going to tell the truth or lie. Usually he would just nod and confirm, but she didn't ask a question he could do that with. He didn't want to tell her the truth because then she'll tell Heidi and Evan would just get angrier at him. After a moment of deliberation, he decided on a half-truth.

"Evan's at this party, and it sounds like he's not doing too well. I'm gonna try and get him out of there."

Jared's mom just looked at him, understanding. "Ok. Try not to be gone too long. Let me know how Evan's doing." Jared nodded and grabbed the keys from the counter. "You're being a really good friend to him right now."

Jared stopped dead in his tracks. He didn't tell her about everything that's happened. And he sure as hell wasn't going to do it at that moment. "Yeah…whatever." He walked out the door, wondering how Evan got into this mess, and wondering why he was once again going out on a limb to help Evan.

* * *

 

Matt Holzer was a pretty popular kid. He wasn't on any sports team, though he was somewhat sporty. He wasn't really a "party animal," though he did have a few huge parties when his parents weren't around, like that night. But if Jared had to guess the reason why he was so popular, he'd say most people found him to be distinctly charismatic. Jared was not one of these people. Jared thought he was a dick, and he was not pleased to be at his party on a Friday evening he should be using to relax. He was even less pleased that Matt was, at that very second walking over to greet him.

"Kleinman!" The boy had an obnoxious grin on his face. Jared wanted to slap it right off his face. Instead he smirked right back.

"Holzer."

"Glad you could make it!"

"Yeah, well I'm just here to pick up Evan, and I'll be out of your hair."

Matt's smile fell. "What? But you only just got here. And Evan's going pretty hard. Come on, can't you convince him to stay a while longer? Aren't you like his best friend?"

Jared winced slightly at this. "Not really, no. And I'm the one who—he didn't ask me to pick him up."

"Why? The party's just getting started." He eyed Jared suspiciously. "You sure he wants to leave?"

"Look, he texted me, and I can tell that staying is a bad idea. Just…where is he? I haven't seen him yet."

The other boy rolled his eyes. "I think in the bathroom. I tried to give him another beer but he just closed the door on me."

Jared's polite smile fell. "What do you mean _another_ beer?"

Matt shrugged. "He was looking a little stiff, so I gave him a beer, loosen him up a little bit. I think he's a lightweight. He gets weepy when he's drunk, you know."

Jared's jaw dropped. "He has anxiety, you dumbass!"

"Well, I mean I figured he would be nervous at a party but that's why I gave him the beer."

"No! That's not—Do you, like I mean, does your brain actually work?" Jared shook his head. "Whatever, I'm getting him out of here now." He pushed past Matt, still confused and walked over to the bathroom. He knocked on the door, firm but not banging. "Evan, you in here?" He heard a groan in response. "Can I come in there?"

"No, I'm…" Jared heard a retching noise from inside, and he nearly gagged along with him. He hated throwing up and seeing or hearing others throw up. A girl walking behind him giggled.

"S'that your boyfriend?" She asked, laughing. Jared gave her a death glare and flipped her off, causing her to laugh harder as she ran off. The sounds inside the bathroom became louder and more intense.

"Ok, Evan, this is ridiculous I'm coming in." Jared pushed the bathroom door open, thankful it wasn't locked. He saw Evan doubled over next to the toilet. If he hadn't been throwing up he had certainly been trying. He walked over and leaned down next to Evan. "You look like shit."

"You…you don't look too well, too well yourself…" Evan chuckled as he delivered this comeback, and Jared couldn't help but give a small but sad smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting you out of here." Jared sighed and put his hand on his forehead. "Is the alcohol going to fuck with your head?" Evan shook his head. "Not gonna mess with the medicine?"

Evan thought about it a second. "No. It…I don't think…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Yeah, I gathered that from your messages." He waited a few seconds, but Evan just kept mumbling. "You ok to stand?" Evan nodded slowly. "Ok, come on, let's get out of here." He stood up, helping Evan to stand as well. He slowly helped him stagger out of the party, walking him to his car. The entire time, Evan kept mumbling indistinctly, probably more apologies. Jared didn't care about that, he cared about getting Evan out of there.

"Do you need to throw up still? Because I'd rather you throw up out here than in the car." Evan slowly shook his head. "Ok, I could take you to my place, but we'd risk my mom telling yours. Is your mom home right now?"

"Late shift." Evan croaked out.

"Your place it is." He helped Evan get into the seat and made sure he buckled his seatbelt. He got in the driver's seat, fastened his own seat belt, then looked over at Evan, still mumbling something he couldn't make out. Jared shook his head and started the car.

Normally, Jared was a reckless driver, but Evan didn't live that far away and (more importantly) he didn't want to make Evan sick in his car. He rationalized this as wanting to keep his car vomit-free. But he observed all precautions driving to Evan's home, even the stop signs he would normally drive right through, or the speed limits he thought were way too low. He parked his car on the curb just outside of Evan's house and helped Evan inside, leading him straight to the bathroom when it looked like Evan might throw up again (Jared thanked god he didn't). He stayed by Evan, sitting next to him when he said he might still throw up. The two sat on the floor of the bathroom for several minutes before Evan spoke audibly again.

"I'm sorry." Jared turned to look at him. Evan was facing away from him, and Jared didn't feel like putting in the effort to get Evan to look at him. "I'm sorry you had to come pick me up. I'm sorry I ruined your Friday night."

Jared shrugged. "Well, somebody had to get you out of that situation. And it wasn't much of a Friday night to ruin. Wasn't doing anything. Just watching TV."

Evan sighed repositioning himself so it was more like he was sitting up, hands wrapped around his legs and head drooping down. "I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I forced you to write the emails and then threatened you with them. I forced you to join the Connor Project. And then I ignored you when you actually wanted to help. I abandoned you for…what? Zoe Murphy? Cynthia and Larry? Like the three of them are so perfect that I should just forget about everything else in my life?"

"To be fair, I would probably abandon you for a hot piece of ass," Jared joked. Evan didn't react. Jared shook his head. "Look, you didn't force me to do anything. I volunteered to write the emails, remember? And I made you pay for my help. At least at the beginning." He chuckled. "And then with the Connor Project? You didn't make me do that. You told me about it. Alana wanted to do it, and she wanted me to do it. But she didn't make me do it. I did it of my own free will." Jared sighed. "And it sucks, but you had your reasons for being distant. And—I'm only telling you this because I'm about fifty percent certain you won't remember this and if you ever bring it up I'll deny it—It's not like I was such a fantastic friend to you."

Evan began mumbling out a reply. "But… but I—"

"I mocked you over every single thing that happened with that dumb letter. I teased you with the idea that I might tell the truth. I called my camp friends my 'real friends' and the had the audacity to assign myself that label in regards to you, as if I'd done anything to prove I was your friend. The last words I spoke to you that wasn't in regards to all of this bullshit were 'fuck you Evan, asshole.' Fuck, I told you I only talked to you because of _car insurance_."

Evan looked away. "I knew you were lying about that. Ever since—" Evan stared off into space as if remembering something. He suddenly groaned. "You tried to write yourself into the story. With me and Connor."

Jared blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Ohhhh noooo…You just wanted to be a part of it…You just wanted to be a part of my life…You invited me over to drink—"

"I'll deny all of that if you ever ask me about it," Jared quickly interjected.

Evan shook his head. "Why didn't I see it?"

Jared shrugged slightly. "Because I never said it. But really that's a question I should be asking myself."

"Huh?"

"Your therapy assignment was mistaken for a suicide note. Why didn't I realize how bad things were until I actually read the note?"

Evan chuckled, tears in his eyes. "Because I never said it."

Jared shook his head. "Look at the pair of us." He stared at Evan for a few seconds a little sadly.

"I'm sorry about everything, Jared."

"I got a lot to be sorry about too, I guess."

"No, Jared, really, like…" Evan sighed. "Everything…everything I've done this year has hurt you. It's hurt everyone."

"Evan, that's not even slightly true."

Evan seemed not to hear this. "Maybe it would just be better…it would be better if I hadn't done anything. If I couldn't have done anything."

Something about this comment made Jared concerned. "What are you talking about?"

Evan looked away. "I should've climbed higher." Jared wasn't sure what that meant. "Last summer. What if I hadn't…hadn't fallen so soon? I could've climbed higher."

"Evan—"

"I should've climbed higher, then it wouldn't just be my arm—"

"Evan, shut the fuck up," Jared snapped. "Have you forgotten everything you've been trying to do with the Connor Project? Or did that whole thing about not disappearing, about being found—Was all of that just meaningless bullshit?" Evan looked up, petrified. "Connor died and it ruined his family's life and sent shockwaves all throughout the community, and nobody even knew him, much less liked him. If you died, there wouldn't be another Evan Hansen who could find a way to make your death mean anything, there'd just be confusion and pain, and people feeling lost, deciding that no, they wouldn't be found." Tears slowly began streaming down Evan's face, and Jared felt his own eyes watering. "Take it back. Take it back right now."

"I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm so-I'm sorry. I-I-I take it-take it back," Evan quickly muttered.

"Fuck." Jared sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't leave Evan. Not now. "I need to call my mom. Stay here. Don't do anything. Call for me if you need me." Evan nodded meekly. Jared looked him over, almost suspicious, then stood up, walked out into the hallway and dialed his mom's number. She sounded tired when she picked up.

"Hello? Everything ok Jared?"

"Hey Mom. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, no, I was just reading. Are you on your way back?"

"I don't think so…Evan's doing a lot worse than I thought. His mom isn't back yet, and I don't want to leave him alone."

There was a pause on the other end. "What time do you think you'll be home?"

Jared inhaled harshly through his teeth, unsure. "I don't know. Hopefully in time to get some sleep but realistically? I might be here all night." He sighed. "Trust me, I wouldn't stay if I didn't think I had to, and I'm not going to stay any longer than I have to."

However long the last pause felt, this pause felt a million times longer. "Ok," the reply finally came. "Just let Heidi know you're staying over. Right now if possible."

"Mm-hm. Thanks. I'm really sorry."

"Honey, it's ok. You're just trying to be there for Evan. You've been a good friend to him."

Jared wasn't sure what set him off. All he could think was that he couldn't keep nodding and confirming, he couldn't keep lying to his parents. "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew how I've treated him the last few years."

Jared wasn't expecting the calm, knowing reply on the other end. "Jared, you're here for him now. I know you well enough to know that's what's most important to you. That you're there when they need you. And I think that makes you an excellent friend." Jared paused, wiping a few tears from his eyes. "Anyway, I won't keep you. Say 'hi' to Heidi for me. Love you."

"Love you too." Jared hung up and allowed just a few small tears to fall before taking a deep breath, regaining his composure, and calling Heidi. The phone rang several times before going to voicemail. Jared hung up and tried once more, hoping she might answer. After the third time she didn't answer, He left her a voicemail.

"Hi, Mrs. Hansen, it's Jared Kleinman. So, um, Evan was at some sort of party earlier tonight but, um, something kinda happened and I picked him up and took him home, but he's in worse shape than I initially thought. I'm here with him now, just trying to make sure he's ok. And, um, well, this is weird to do over voicemail but I kinda need to ask if I can stay the night here? I just…I can't leave him on his own right now, and I can leave the second you get back, but…I just think leaving him alone is a bad idea. But if you see another kid in your house, um, that's me. Just, like, tell me if you need me gone, I'd prefer to get back home since I didn't know I'd be doing this, but I just…he needs someone and I know how busy you get. So, um, yeah, that's it. My mom says 'hi.' Um…I'm really sorry. About everything." He sighed. "Ok. Bye. Sorry."

A few weeks ago, Evan had been his least favorite person. Suddenly he was staying over, to make sure he was ok, to make sure he didn't…didn't try to…

Jared pushed the thought out of his head. He walked back to the bathroom, and Evan seemed to be doing better. Jared felt relief sweep through his whole body.

"You were watching TV."

Jared glanced around. "The fuck are you talking about, Hansen?"

"When I texted. You were watching TV. What show were you watching?"

Jared could've said _Parks and Rec_ , or _The Office_ , or _How I Met Your Mother_ , or even _Breaking Bad_ or some overly dramatic shit like that. Instead he told the truth, face slightly red. "I was watching _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_."

Evan's faced scrunched up in cautious disgust. "That's a sexist title."

Jared chuckled. "It's an awful title, yeah, but it's accurate. The show itself is actually really excellent, and not at all sexist."

"What's it about?"

"It's a comedy. It's about this girl—Jewish—who has this amazing life as a big shot New York lawyer, but she's really unhappy and unfulfilled with her life, and she runs into her ex from camp, this kinda buff Asian dude named Josh, who lives in California, in West Covina. She follows him out there and lots of stuff happens."

"Huh."

"It's forty minutes long. Which you wouldn't expect from a comedy. And also it has really good music."

"Like, the score?"

Jared had finally gotten to the guilty part of his pleasure. "No, there are like two musical numbers each episode. It's…actually really well done. Like they do parodies of some songs, or copy certain genres, or do pastiches of certain songs or artists. It's like, really clever. It's kind of embarrassing how much I love the music."

"Why is that embarrassing?" Jared thought about it for a few seconds and shrugged. "You should show me an episode some time."

"It's on Netflix. I could watch a few episodes with you here." If he had to stay the night with Evan, he was going to put in some time on his show, dammit. Evan nodded and stood up. Jared helped Evan get to his room. He set up Evan's laptop, logged into his Netflix account, and set up the first episode, sitting on the ground with his back against Evan's bed while Evan lay down on the bed. Evan was quickly engrossed and the two were laughing along with the show. It was almost nice, like old times. But Jared could tell Evan was crashing fast, and before the end of the second episode, his eyes were closed. He turned down the volume and continued watching, trying not to wake him. After a few minutes, he heard a mumbling voice behind him.

"Hey Jared?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks for taking me home."

"Yeah sure."

"Sorry."

"What did I say about saying sorry?"

"…Whatever." Jared was glad to hear someone else say that for once.

"For what it's worth I'm sorry too."

"…Thanks for being here."

Jared didn't remember falling asleep. He didn't remember reaching the third episode of _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_. He didn't remember being gently guided on top of a small mat, resting his head on a pillow, or a blanket being gently laid on him. The only thing Jared remembered from that night was dreaming about Evan and him being friends again, and wanting that to be true more than any other dream he'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it painfully obvious I love Crazy Ex-Girlfriend yet? Is it painfully obvious I have no experience drinking alcohol? Anyway I've been trying to write this chapter for a while and this is what I came up with. I haven't entirely decided on how I want to leave Jared and Evan in this fic, but the road to their reconciliation is pretty fucked up and this is a necessary step. Hope you liked it.  
> Thanks for kudos and comments (if u choose to leave one), i really love everything you guys do to support this. Also pls talk to me on tumblr, official-didney-worl-elmo. Thanks for reading, I'm glad you seem to like this.


	5. Deserving

Jared sat at Evan's kitchen table, uncomfortable. Heidi had caught him trying to sneak out that morning and insisted he sit down with her and "chat." Jared was old enough to know that "chat" was adult code for "have a very serious discussion." It was bullshit. Why the fuck did he have to pick Evan up? Why the fuck did he have to fall asleep before Heidi came home? And why did Heidi have to stop him before he left?

"Do you want any coffee Jared?" He looked up at Heidi, pouring herself a mug and looking at him over his shoulder. He shook his head. What he wanted was to go home and sleep in, but that clearly wasn't gonna happen so… whatever. He stared down at the table as Heidi walked over and sat down across from him. "I'll admit, I was, uh, I was surprised to get your voicemail last night."

Jared shrugged. "I was surprised I made it. I wanted to go home."

"So why did you make it? Why did you stay?" Jared stayed silent. Heidi sighed. "I thought it would be exciting for Evan to go to his first real high school party. Didn't know it would turn out like this." She turned her head and looked directly at Jared, and he found himself unable to avoid her gaze. "Did Evan ingest any substances at the party? Did he do any drugs?"

Jared blinked and shook his head. "No."

"Jared, he's not gonna be in trouble. But I'm a nurse, and if I need to know what happened last night if I'm going to help my son."

Jared remained silent for a few seconds. He abruptly turned his head away, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "I mean, he had a few beers I think. Had a minor bout of anxiety I think?" Jared rolled his eyes. "I dunno. I think you're just dealing with a wicked hangover and cloudy memories. He'll be fine. Assuming alcohol won't cause any severe reactions with his medication."

"It won't. Thank you for telling me the truth." Jared shrugged again. Heidi regarded him warmly. "Thank you for last night. Evan's lucky to have you."

"Don't say that."

Heidi looked taken aback by this quick reply. "Jared, he really needs a friend right now. Especially these last few weeks…"

"I, uh… I take it you saw Connor's suicide note?"

"Yeah. I take it you know who actually wrote it?" Jared nodded slowly. "Evan told me everything."

"Not everything. If he told you everything you wouldn't be looking at me like that."

Heidi looked curious. "What do you think he left out?"

"The fact that I haven't treated him with respect for years. The fact that I've been telling him we're not friends and I only talk to him for my car insurance. The fact that I was the one who told him to lie to the Murphy's. The fact that I exploited him and his situation for my own personal gain. The fact that I don't deserve to be friends with him, because I've been nothing but an asshole to him." Jared grew more emphatic as he went on, until he realized what he had said and looked back down at the table, hanging his head in shame.

"Whether that's true or not, you may be the only one he has right now." Jared shook his head, vehemently denying in his head, that's not true, it's not true. "It was Matthew Holzer's party he went to last night, right? What do you think of him?"

"He's a dick. He's the one who got Evan drunk and the second the student body decides Evan isn't cool anymore he's going to go back to not giving a shit about Evan."

"Do you think you're a better person than Matthew Holzer?"

Jared shook his head. "Probably not. I've done some shitty things."

"Let me rephrase that. Do you care about Evan?"

Jared didn't know. He didn't know anything. The only thing he was certain of at that moment was he needed to go to sleep. "What does it matter? He doesn't care about me."

"Jared—"

"He shouldn't. I've done nothing to deserve that. He shouldn't care about me."

Heidi looked at Jared softly. "He texted you last night Jared. He didn't text me to pick him up, he texted you."

Jared froze. "He didn't ask me to pick him up. I mean, he texted me but… Look, someone had to get him out of that situation."

A small triumphant smile formed at the corners of Heidi's mouth. "So you do care about him?"

Jared rubbed his eyes, subtly wiping away tears forming at them. "Whatever." Heidi chuckled at this.

"Jared, he needs a friend. He's had a rough year. Between the Connor thing, and breaking his arm after letting go…"

Jared looked up confused. "What are you talking about?"

Heidi looked back, equally confused. "When he climbed the tree and… and broke his arm over the summer."

"No, he… he fell. That's what he said. That's what he told me. He fell."

Heidi's opened wide with understanding and guilt-stricken horror. "I thought you knew, I thought he told you…"

"No, he didn't tell me a single thing, I never let him—" Jared gasped silently. "He said he should've climbed higher."

"What?"

"Last night I picked him up and he started talking and he said—" Suddenly things started clicking into place. Jared stood up quickly. "I have to go, but you need to stay with Evan today. You need to watch him, and-and-and… I'm just, I'm not prepared for this, I don't know how to do this."

"Jared…" Heidi looked at him for a few seconds. He waited, fearful, but of what he was unsure. She eventually nodded. "You probably need your rest. Tell your mother I said hi, will you?" Jared nodded as Heidi looked past him. "Good morning Evan. How are you?"

Jared quickly turned around. Evan was rubbing his forehead, eyes closed. "I have a splitting headache. I think—" Evan opened his eyes and came face to face with Jared. "Oh."

"I was just leaving."

"Oh… o-okay…" Jared pushed past him, walking towards the front door. As he reached the front door he heard Evan call out after him. "Hey Jared?" But he ignored him and shut the door behind him. Jared raced to his car, drove home as quick as he could, and practically ran to his bedroom, collapsing on his bed. As he closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come, a flood of inexplicable tears formed at his eyes, soaking his pillowcase. He wasn't sure if he stopped crying when he fell asleep. But he did not cry as he slept, nor did he hear the ringing of several new messages

 

 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> I'm sorry I was such an asshole last night
> 
> If it makes you feel any better, this hangover is killing me
> 
> Karma's a bitch
> 
> And I'm sorry you had to pick me up
> 
> But also
> 
> Thank you for doing that
> 
> You didn't have to but
> 
> I don't know what would've happened if you hadn't
> 
> Um
> 
> I'm sorry I don't really remember what happened last night
> 
> And I'm sorry if my mom made you uncomfortable this morning
> 
> And I know you said no apologies without specific reasons but
> 
> I really am sorry
> 
> And if you need a reason, then it's for not having a specific reason
> 
> If you don't like that then
> 
> Whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is fairly short by my standards, but I'm glad I had enough motivation to actually work on this. You know the drill by now, thanks for comments and kudos, i love them all, talk to me on tumblr at official-didney-worl-elmo, let me know if you have thoughts comments or suggestions, and hopefully i'll see you sooner than how long it took last time


	6. Feeling Unwell

 

> **Evan Hansen**
> 
> Hey um I'm not gonna be at school today
> 
> I'm just not feeling super well
> 
> I really hate to ask this but
> 
> Would you mind grabbing the Spanish assignment from today?
> 
> Or just even let the teacher know I'm not gonna be there
> 
> Actually never mind sorry I bothered you

 

Jared had rolled his eyes that morning as he'd received these messages from Evan that Monday morning, but class was coming to an end he had asked for an extra assignment sheet to bring to Evan. He typed a quick response.

 

 

> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> its done
> 
> ill email it or somthin

 

Jared had no intention of going out of his way to send the assignment, but he found himself incapable of saying no for no reason. He wished he could just pretend he hadn't seen the text. And he wished he could ignore the boy on the other side of the room, clearly striding over with the intent to sit next to him.

"Kleinman!"

"Holzer." The other boy sat on top Jared's desk as Jared gathered his things, a confident air of nonchalance that pissed Jared off. Jared was feeling incredibly tired for some reason, and he didn't have the energy to deal with whatever bullshit Matt was going to throw his way today.

"It was great to see you at the party on Friday. Shame you couldn't stay."

Jared scoffed. "Really? So your invitation was sincere and not just because I happened to be there when you were inviting people?"

Matt gave a confused look. "Course it was. I invited you 'cause I think you're cool."

"Mm-hmm." Jared didn't believe him for one second. "I suppose that's why you invited Evan too?"

"Yeah! You're chill dudes."

"Interesting, when did you form this opinion of Evan?"

"I mean, I've always liked him," Matthew sputtered.

"Really? So then why was this the first party you've ever invited him to?"

The boy didn't reply. Jared knew they both knew the answer. He quickly changed topics. "You two left pretty quickly, what was that about?"

Jared shrugged. "I told you, I didn't think it was a good idea for him to stay."

Matthew leaned in a little bit. "…and?"

Jared snorted a bit. "…and I was right. He said some dumb shit. Threw up a lot. Nearly ruined my car. What more do you want?"

"Huh. You know people are talking about you two."

Jared feigned ignorance. "What people? What are they saying about us?"

"Oh, just me. Right now. And I'm saying there's something going on with you two."

"To think only a few weeks ago they were saying something was going on between Evan and Zoe."

"Well, you know, the half-life of high school gossip is five days." Jared nodded in agreement.

"I told you. We're not friends." Jared coughed twice, covering his mouth with his elbow. He wished that the awkward conversation would die and Matt would leave him alone.

"You did say that. Is it because you're… more?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, just spit it out. Are you gay for each other or what?"

Jared chuckled. "There it is."

"There's nothing wrong with it. And I won't tell anyone."

"Sure, you won't." Jared rolled his eyes. "The last time we spoke as 'friends' he threatened me and I told him to go fuck himself. So yeah, not really on the friendliest of terms."

"But you picked him up from the party. And you said he didn't ask you to."

"Your point?"

"Could there be feelings left unrequited, Jared _Pine_ man?"

"Oh my god that is legitimately the worst pun I've ever heard." Jared chuckled.

"So?" Matt sat there with a smug grin, as if he'd caught Jared hiding a secret. But Jared knew what Matt was like. Minus the popularity, he knew what it was like to be like Matt. And he knew what would piss him off more than anything else at that moment.

"Sadly, my romantic life is not of interest to anyone, much less the student body of our school. Your love life, on the other hand, far more fascinating."

Matt leaned away, taken aback. "Really? How so?"

"Well from what I heard, you've been on several dates, all of them on the outskirts of town, as if you're avoiding people. Why could that be? Matt Holzer always brags about his girlfriends."

The other boy gave him a blank stare and a smirk. "Alright, I'll bite. Why _could_ that be?"

"See, my theory is that Matt Holzer doesn't have a new girlfriend. But perhaps, he has a new _boy_ friend. I mean, isn't there a gay bar out that direction? Someone could easily put two and two together."

Matt chuckled. "I give that rumor a C minus at best. It's unrealistic."

Jared leaned back in his chair, placing his hand on his chest in a gesture of melodramatic offense. "There is nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another."

"In any case, you can't believe half the shit you hear from the students here."

"Yeah, but your forgetting something."

"And what's that?"

"Look around." Matt Holzer followed Jared's gaze around the room, noticing that nobody sat anywhere close to Jared. "Our classmates don't like me. They don't talk to me. And I don't like them. No, I heard my rumor from friends at camp, who only know you from facebook as 'that douchebag Jared knows.' Now why would they lie about that?" Jared absentmindedly pulled out his phone as the bell rang, noticing several new messages he was probably gonna have to deal with. "Well I'd love to stay and chat," Jared said, standing up, "but I have some rather urgent business to attend to. Lunch isn't gonna eat itself."

The other boy sat on the desk smirking, looking after Jared as he left the class room. "Stay classy, Jared."

Jared gave an absentminded two finger salute as he replied. "You too, Holzer." As Jared headed out of the classroom, he looked down at his phone and was relieved to find it wasn't Evan messaging him. The relief was quickly replaced with confusion as he realized the person who had texted.

 

 

> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Alana's getting nosy again.
> 
> Asking questions about Connor.
> 
> About Evan.
> 
> About the letters.
> 
> She's piecing it together again. But she just can't figure it out.
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> um ok?
> 
> like
> 
> y r u telling me
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Because you're the only person who actually gets shit done it seems
> 
> You're the only one who is actually solving problems
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> i just had 2 get involved
> 
> fine
> 
> how do u want me to solve this
> 
> i can throw her of the scent again
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Honestly I'm fucking sick of lying
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> same
> 
> so u want me 2 tell her the truth
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Idk
> 
> It's not really my truth to tell
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> isnt it tho?
> 
> i mean
> 
> i fucking hate being the only one who does anything
> 
> but if u want me to tell her
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> Aren't you going to ask Evan first?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> y?
> 
> what good would it do?
> 
> **Zoe Murphy**
> 
> You're sure?
> 
> **Jared Kleinman**
> 
> r u?

 

Jared put his phone back in his pocket, rolling his eyes as he saw Alana approach him. Of course he was the one who was gonna have to tell her the truth.

"Hey Jared! I wanted to talk to you about… Why is Matt Holzer staring at us?"

Jared shrugged, dismissive. "I think he's in love with me. What did you want to talk about?"

Alana remained silent for a few seconds, unsure if Jared's dry response was supposed to be humorous. She decided to focus on the second half of the statement. "Well I just wanted to ask a few questions about the Connor Project. You know, Connor and Evan."

Jared nodded in a way that would've been grave had he actually given a shit about anything at that moment. "I feel like this is a conversation we're gonna wanna have away from everyone else. Computer lab?"

Alana nodded as Jared led her through the hallways to a secluded computer lab where they were unlikely to be interrupted. "Were you serious about Matt?"

Jared scoffed. "It's called a joke. You know you can't believe half the things people say in this school." He opened the door and led Alana inside the lab.

"Can I believe anything you're about to say?" Alana asked cautiously.

Jared shut the door behind them. "Depends on what you want me to tell you." Alana looked confused at this. "Look I know you know something's up, and… I'm not gonna tell you the full story. I just… I can't. But I'll answer your questions. As long as I can answer them simply."

"Ok then. So… wait, what does that even mean?"

Jared looked to the side trying to figure out how to explain. "If the answer can be summarized in a few words, I'll answer it. Like I said, I'm not gonna tell you the full story." Jared sniffed and discreetly wiped his nose.

Alana took a few seconds to process this. "That makes sense… I guess." She cleared her throat and pulled out her phone, apparently looking for something on it. "So I guess the main thing is, like, the discrepancies between the emails and the story. Why are there discrepancies? Do you know?"

Jared wasn't entirely sure how to answer this. "No… and yes…"

"What does that mean? Do you know the reasons for the discrepancies or not?"

"Generally yes, but not specifically."

Alana pinched the bridge of her nose, unamused. "Ok, whatever. I guess, what I'm really getting at here is were Evan and Connor really friends?"

Jared waited a few seconds before looking down and shaking his head. "No. He wasn't."

Alana was clearly unsurprised but annoyed at this response. "Then why the hell did Connor address his suicide note to Evan?" she yelled, moving towards Jared, who took a step back in response. Alana leaned back and took a deep breath. "I know, complicated question. Just… gimme a minute to think how to phrase this."

But Jared didn't need a minute. "He didn't."

"…What was that?"

"You asked why Connor addressed his suicide letter to Evan. He didn't."

"What… what does that mean? That… that it was just made up? No. No, I talked to the Murphy's, they said they found a note on Connor when he died that pointed to Evan. That couldn't have been made up. Why would they make it up? Did they make it up, Jared?" Alana got louder as she went on, more desperate for an answer, angrier. Jared's head snapped up, a look that was something between fear and regret plastered on his face.

"No. Of course not. There was a note they found on Connor. It was addressed to Evan."

"But it wasn't Connor's suicide note," Alana said, picking up on what Jared was saying. "Then… what was it?" Jared gestured vaguely in response. He opened his mouth to speak a few times but immediately closed it. "You don't know?"

Jared grimaced. "I know… but it's hard to explain."

"Ok then let's start with who wrote the letter I guess. Do you know who wrote it?"

Jared nodded. "Evan."

"I asked who wrote it."

"I know. Evan."

"Evan wrote a letter addressed to himself? Why?"

"It was an assignment."

"What teacher would assign a letter like that?"

"It wasn't a teacher."

Alana shook her head. "Then who? Who assigned it."

Jared looked askance. "That's not my answer to tell."

Alana sighed. "I wish… I wish I could say that I was surprised by all of this. That all of this is coming as a shock. But I think I knew before. I think I always knew. I just… ignored it. I needed it to be real." The two paused, uncertain how to continue, or if they should continue. "So I guess the only other thing I want to know right now is how did Evan break his arm. I mean, if Connor wasn't there what happened?"

Jared felt his stomach did a flip. He had only recently just learned the truth. But he wasn't even able to admit it to himself yet. "There was a tree. And there was a fall."

"So he did accidentally fall out of a tree?"

"I… I dunno."

"What do you mean? How else could he have broken his arm?"

"…I misspoke. He did fall."

"Jared, you promised you'd tell me the truth."

"I don't know, ask Evan."

"What's going on?"

"Look, whatever happened, nobody was there for Evan. Do you know what that means? Do you know what that means for the Connor Project if nobody was there for Evan? Do you understand what happens if people find out?" Alana nodded, taken aback. "You can't tell anyone what you know. Do you understand?"

Alana gulped. "I… I guess…" She frowned. "I just… I still have so many questions." Jared nodded vaguely, aware of the way Alana was feeling. "Maybe I'll talk to him…"

"He's sick today."

"I know. But maybe I'll stop by his place after school."

Jared shrugged. He reached into his backpack, pulling out one of the copies of the Spanish assignment. "If you do, can you bring this to him? Spanish assignment he missed today."

Alana eyed him with confusion. "Why don't you just come with me?"

"I'm really not interested in hearing the story again. I've already lived it."

"All the more reason to come. You can explain and correct things, tell your perspective. Help me understand why Evan did what he did, why he's been acting so weird even after the fact—"

"My life does not revolve around Evan fucking Hansen!" Jared yelled. Alana regarded him with an unfathomable expression. "Ever since he pulled me into this bullshit, every aspect of my life has been about Evan. Everything I say, everything I do, everything about my life has trace amounts of Evan. And I'm so fucking sick of it. Like, yeah, maybe my life before was boring, but at least it was mine. At least I was the main character in my own story. Now I'm just… like, a side character in Evan's. I'm not even the main character of my own life, Alana. Do you know how frustrating that is?" Alana stood there mouth agape, unsure of what to say. "Can I please just have one day, one _fucking_ day, where I don't have to worry about what Evan wants? Where I don't have to think about him, where I don't have to clean up after his messes because according to Zoe Murphy, that's my role now, is cleaning up Evan's messes, since nobody else does anything. Can I just have one day where I don't have to see him, or-or think about him? Can I have one day where somebody else owns up and does something of value for once?" Jared stared at Alana, still seething as he caught his breath.

"Jared… I had no idea." She cleared her throat. "You're right. I should do this by myself. Well, I'll just… I'll let you get to lunch." Jared crossed his arms as she opened the door. "Thank you for telling me the truth, Jared. I really appreciate it." She disappeared down the hall, leaving Jared stewing and unsure why he was reacting the way he was.

 

* * *

 

When Jared got home, he went straight upstairs and fell onto his bed. He was exhausted for some reason, he could hardly pay attention in his final class of the day. Feeling a sneeze coming on, he grabbed a tissue, tossing it towards the trash and ignoring it when it didn't quite make it in. He pulled out his phone but didn't have the energy to unlock it. He glanced at the lock screen as several notifications came in.

 

 

> **Zoe Murphy** _ Now _
> 
> Sorry I was dismissive earlier
> 
>  
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** _ Now _
> 
> I'm still pretty fucking pissed at you. And for good reason I feel.
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** _ Now _
> 
> But it sucks everyone is expecting you to do so much for them
> 
>  
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** _ Now _
> 
> Especially when no one's done shit for you
> 
>  
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** _ Now _
> 
> And I mean I hope you rot in hell and stuff but like
> 
>  
> 
> **Zoe Murphy** _ Now _
> 
> I don't think you deserve that

 

Jared let his mind wander as he vaguely pondered over what exactly Zoe was trying to say. Why was she apologizing if she hated him? What was with the mood whiplash between feeling sorry for him and wanting him dead? He wasn't sure how long he had been lying there thinking about that, but it was clear some time had passed when he got his next messages.

 

>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> Hey, it's Alana. Just left Evan's house.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> He's probably a little annoyed at you but I did my best to clarify it wasn't your fault.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> We talked for a long time. And I'm still reeling from all the new information.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> I'm still a bit angry at you guys for lying to me for so long. I mean I get why you had to, but I'm still angry.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> But mostly I'm just sad. I wish I'd known how much Evan was hurting. And Connor. I wish I could help Zoe.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> Look, if you ever need anything please just call me, or text me, talk to me…
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> Whatever.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> I know it's stupid but I care about you guys. And I don't want you guys to be hurt.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck** _ Now _
> 
> See you at school tomorrow.

 

How long had he been lying there? How long had it last been since he'd moved? His brain felt foggy. He grabbed another tissue as several more messages showed up on his lock screen.

 

> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> Why did you tell Alana?
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> That was so uncool of you
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> She just like showed up at my house and insisted on asking me these questions.
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> Why'd you have to tell her?
> 
>  
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> I know you're reading these asshole
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> Whatever
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> Just like
> 
> **Evan Hansen** _ Now _
> 
> Give me a heads up next time.

 

As Jared read the incoming messages, he began seething again. No. Just this one time, he got to be pissed with Evan. He got to be angry at the fact that he expected Jared to fix all of his problems and became an entitled douche the second he had to face consequences. He knew he'd be calm later, but just for now he got to hate the fact that Evan had changed his life, ruined it forever with one simple lie. He didn't know how long he'd been stewing when he heard a knock on the door.

"Jared, sweetie? Can I come in?" His mother's voice came from the other side.

"It's unlocked," he called back. She cautiously opened the door, not wanting to disturb him.

"I just wanted to check to see you were doing ok, I haven't seen you all evening." He turned to look at her, unsure of what to say. He saw the concern creep in on her face as he looked at her. "Jared, you don't look so good."

Jared shrugged. "Don't feel so good either." His mother sat down next to him on the bed and Put her hand on his forehead. "Mom…" he protested, slightly embarrassed.

"Honey, you're burning up! Let me get the thermometer. Do you want me to make you chicken noodle soup tonight?"

"Mom, really… I'm not hungry. Can I just stay up here for the rest of the night? Try to get some rest?"

She eyed Jared, unsure. "Drink plenty of fluids. Take some cold medicine before you go to bed. Let me know how you feel in the morning."

"Thanks Mom." She left the door ajar. Jared stared at the door until she opened it sometime later holding a glass of water and a thermometer. He downed the glass of water, and after taking his temperature she concluded he was running a slight fever.

"Take some medicine before you go to bed." He nodded as she left again. He stayed unmoving on the bed until sometime later when he finally found the energy to get up and brush his teeth. He drank several glasses of water while he was up. He did as his mother asked and took some Nyquil (or whatever the store brand was). He turned off the lights and got back into bed, his mind preoccupied with Alana Beck, Zoe Murphy, and of course, Evan Hansen. He fell asleep thinking of everything. He dreamt of nothing until morning came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that took forever for me to write. I'm not dead, I'm just super super super busy. Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this chapter. I do have just a few more chapters planned, but we're much closer to the ending than we are to the beginning at this point. I'm sure I have a lot more to say but I can't think of it. Talk to me on tumblr, official-didney-worl-elmo. Ok guess that it for these chapter notes, later.


	7. Sick Day

Jared didn't want to do anything. Actually, that wasn't quite accurate. He desperately wanted to do something, but could not seem to muster up the motivation or the energy to do anything. So here he was at noon on Wednesday, binging _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_ on his couch, a blanket messily draped over him and a trash can full of used tissues on the floor beside him.

He recalled how he had tried to walk past his mom and head to school the previous morning. She'd insisted he wasn't looking any better and made him stay home. He resented the fact that she had been right. She tried to stay home and take care of him but he had been firm in drawing the line there. He was practically an adult now, he could take care of himself. He had spent all of the previous day working on school work in between bouts of sleep. He had slept through his alarm this morning, and when he finally woke he was alone in the house and had nothing to do. He had walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and had seen some cold medicine his mother had left on the counter. He begrudgingly swallowed the pills with a glass of water and had wandered over to the couch, continuing to rewatch old episodes of the show he'd already seen in an attempt to catch up. He had drifted off already once earlier that morning, but was now far too awake for his own good.

As he watched the latest exploits of Rebecca Bunch, he supposed it could be worse. The previous evening he had been throwing up a fair bit, and he didn't feel like that today. Being sick was absolute torture but at least he wasn't at school. And even though he had nothing to do, at least he didn't _have_ to do anything. He thought about this for a while, but he didn't feel much better. He sat up a bit taller, as if on the verge of an epiphany.

"Shit." He had no immediate reason for the word, nothing bad he had remembered, no sudden chore he had forgotten to do, but the word left his mouth all the same. "Shit," he repeated. Though he knew it was impossible, it felt as though something had shifted as he spoke. A small smile formed at the corner of his lips and he couldn't quite explain why. He settled back into the couch and tuned back into the show, but only got a few minutes before he was pulled away by the sudden sound of the doorbell.

He turned to look at the front door. His mother hadn't let mentioned any packages she was expecting, and he could think of no reason anyone would come over at this time of day. He pretended he hadn't heard it until scarcely a minute later he heard it again. He ignored it once more, until thirty seconds later the bell rang a third time.

He sighed, reached over to the remote and paused the show. He stretched a tiny bit before mustering up the strength he needed to get up. He was too exhausted to care that he was about to answer the door dressed in his dirty pajamas and looking a mess. He was acutely aware of the fact, but he was too exhausted to care about it. He walked to the front door, and when he opened it he couldn't even find the energy to be surprised about who was there.

"Evan." Jared said this not as a question, or as if asking for an explanation, but merely as a statement of fact. He wasn't sure why.

"I need to talk to you," Evan said quickly. Jared noticed he looked jumpier than normal. He wasn't sure why. The two stared at each other in silence for several seconds.

"Well?" Evan stayed staring at, expression unchanging. "Are you gonna yell at me from out here or are you gonna come in?" Evan looked inside the house, seemingly caught off-guard by the question. He cautiously walked past Jared into the house. Jared walked back to the living room and flopped back down on the couch as Evan followed a few paces behind. "What's up?"

"You didn't message me back." Evan crossed his arms and looked away. He was clearly dodging his real problem.

Jared shrugged. "Must've missed it."

"And you haven't shown at school for two days."

Jared almost laughed in his face. He thought the scene in his living room told the story for him. "Yeah. I've been sick. Obviously." Evan's face turned pink, embarrassed that he hadn't noticed. "Yeah I must've caught whatever you had."

"Yeah, um," Evan coughed, "I wasn't, um, I mean I was—I wasn't really sick on Monday." Jared eyed him, curious. "Yeah, my, um, my mom and I talked and um… she thought it would, she thought it would be best if I took a day off."

Jared smirked. "Never thought Evan Hansen would ditch class. So did it help at all?"

"What? I don't—I dunno, that's not, I'm not here to talk about that."

"Well then why are you here?"

"Because you didn't respond to my message on Monday!” Evan sputtered.

Jared almost had to laugh. "Ok, I'll bite. What about it? What did you say?"

Evan gave a look of annoyance as if unable to tell if Jared was being serious. "Are you kidding me? You told Alana! And then-then you disappeared! Why-why would you, why _on earth_ would you do that?"

Jared shrugged. "Ask your ex. She's the one who told me to do it."

Evan scoffed a bit. "Great. So now—now you just do whatever Zoe tells you to do?"

Jared raised an eyebrow. "Last time I checked, you were the one who lied to her."

"Don't act like you're innocent in this. Like you didn't egg me on, like you didn't enjoy being slightly left of the center of attention."

"Whatever. We lied to her. About her brother. About her _dead_ brother. Who killed himself. I don't really have the upper hand or the moral high ground to say no to her."

"You know Jared, you can be a real asshole sometimes."

"This has been previously established. What hasn't been established is why you've opted to skip class to confront me about this." Evan's face flushed at this and he turned away. "Yeah, don't think I hadn't noticed that little detail. How did you even get over here?"

"…Alana gave me a ride."

Jared chuckled. "So you just had an entire car ride with her and it didn't occur to you to ask her about it once?" Evan stared at Jared, arms crossed. Jared sighed. He knew Evan wouldn't leave without an answer. "Look, Alana is smarter than us. She's the smartest person in school, period. And that includes the teachers. That note is the only concrete proof of your friendship, and the contradictions in the emails would've outweighed that in her mind soon enough. If she found out on her own, the narrative is we exploited a boy's suicide for our own gain. She becomes a whistleblower for her own magnum opus. If we told her, we can explain, control the narrative. We strengthen the lie in a sense. And, well, she was getting close to figuring it out. It was the only option."

Evan took a few deep breaths. "Ok. I can kind of understand that. But… couldn't you have asked me at least?"

Jared looked away and shook his head, uncertain. "I was feeling awful Monday. And I'm so sick of lying to everyone about everything. And I was honestly too… too done with everything to consider asking you."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "Too done, what-that does that even… too done?"

"Evan, everything about my life now is filtered through you. Before I do… anything anymore, it seems, I have to consider how it affects you or the Connor Project or Zoe and… it's exhausting. I'm not in control of my own life and it sucks." Jared inhaled, preparing for a sneeze. He quickly reached out towards the nearly empty tissue box beside him and grabbed a tissue, bringing it back to his nose just in time.

"Wow, um, you're really sick, aren't you?"

"No shit, Sherlock." Jared reached down to his glass on the floor to discover that once more, it was empty. Sighing, he shifted his weight to stand up again.

Evan quickly gestured for him to sit down again. "No, no no no nonononono you're sick!"

"I'm sick not paraplegic. I'm a big boy, Evan, I can take care of myself." But before Jared could get any further, Evan swooped in and grabbed the glass from Jared. Despite Jared's protests, he walked into the kitchen with the glass.

"What were you drinking?"

Jared rolled his eyes, thankful Evan couldn't see him. "There's some ginger ale in the fridge. You can help yourself to whatever." About thirty seconds later, Evan returned with two glasses of ginger ale. Lots of ice for Jared, just a few cubes for himself. "Thanks."

Evan stood there, uncomfortably sipping his ginger ale. He gestured to the television. "You're watching that, um, that 'Crazy Girlfriend' show?"

Jared smirked. " _Crazy_ Ex- _Girlfriend_. You're welcome to watch a few episodes with me. But I'm exhausted so I might fall asleep on you. And I'm not starting from the beginning for you."

Evan cautiously sat in a nearby chair. "Can you at least get me up to speed on what's going on?"

"Figure it out your damn self," he said, resuming the episode.

* * *

 

They had been watching for a couple of episodes and Evan had to admit he was really getting into the show. He kept checking on Jared out of the corner of his eye, ready to do whatever he needed to help. Jared was clearly exhausted, but he insisted on staying awake and giving a running commentary on every other scene. Evan tried to stay concentrated on the show when out of the blue, Jared asked him a direct question.

"Why the fuck are you still here?"

Evan turned his head, suddenly afraid. "I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Do you, um, do you want me to leave?"

"No, that's not—" Jared sighed. "Why are you still here, acting like my friend?" Evan looked at Jared, mouth agape and uncertain how to respond. "I spent four years in this hell we call high school calculating my every move, staying detached as possible, avoiding all of the cliques and forming 'alliances' rather than friendships, just trying to survive day to day. Because I knew if I made friends with anybody, and if I kept any of my old friends I would just lose them to some bullshit high school drama, and if I didn't lose them then, I would lose them when we all went off to different colleges, so I severed all of my friendships before they were ripped apart. But somehow you clung on, and you stayed for four fucking years. Why the fuck are you still here?" Evan looked at him, a mix of horror and concern on his face. "Because I'm not supposed to care about anyone yet here you are, and you've basically become the sun around which my whole world orbits. That wasn't the plan, that wasn't supposed to happen. You ruined everything. Why did you have to do that? Yeah, being alone fucking hurts and it's awful… but it's easier than living in constant fear of losing everything because of some stupid thing that happened because you're hormonal and angsty." Jared sighed, once again distracting himself with the show.

"That's bullshit." The statement caught Jared off guard. He turned to look at Evan, confused. "Being alone isn't easier. It’s a nightmare. You resign yourself to being alone because nobody wants to talk with you, and your heart flutters every time you get a call or a text and it breaks over and over again when it's not what you expected, because you honestly don't know what to expect. You hold onto any bit of positive attention you get from a peer because you don't know when that kind of unsolicited kindness is going to come again. And you fall in love with every single person who doesn't treat you with complete disdain because you've mistaken kindness and an absence of cruelty for genuine caring, and even though you know they don't care you hope beyond hoping that somehow this person might be different. You come up with all these worlds in your head where things are better and you're not alone, but you remain powerless to act on them, fully aware that any deviation from the norm will get you ostracized. I call bullshit. I don't think it was easy for you to be alone. And if you really cut off all your friendships that easily, it sounds like they weren't very good friends to begin with. Because if you really care you fight for your friendships and you don't let small things get in your way. It's fucking bullshit." Jared looked at Evan in surprise. This was possibly the most coherent he'd ever been. Evan sighed and put his head in his hands. "Then again, what do I know about friends?" He shook his head. "But being alone is hard. It's so hard that sometimes it seems like the only option is to… is to…"

"Pitch yourself from a tree?" Jared finished Evan's sentence, unsure. Evan looked away, unwilling to meet Jared's eye. "Look, Evan… if you ever feel like that again, you need to talk to someone. You need to call someone right away. Your mom, your therapist, Alana… even me. If you need to talk—"

"Jared…" Evan cut him off. "I'm fine. I haven't felt that way in ages."

Jared looked over at him, worried. "You really don't remember anything from the night of Holzer's party, do you?" Evan looked back at him confused. "Evan, if you go to one of those parties again, make sure you have someone who can take you home beforehand. Ok?"

"What happened that night?" Jared looked back to the episode. "Jared? What did I say? What did I say Jared?" Jared ignored him until he turned back to the television, visibly unsettled. A few minutes later Evan asked in his quietest, most polite voice to use the bathroom. Jared did not remember Evan returning from the bathroom. Jared did not remember Evan quietly moving around him to not wake him. He didn't remember Evan refilling his ginger ale and placing more medicine next to the glass for when he woke up. Jared didn't remember Evan gingerly putting the blanket over top of him once more as he started the show from the beginning again. He didn't remember Evan staying until Jared's mother came home and offered him a ride. He didn't remember Evan quietly whispering, "Bye Jared," while sitting on the arm of the couch. But Evan's voice reverberated in his dreams, and the sudden absence of it perturbed him. It wasn't long after that he awoke, all alone, just as he always had been, and just as he had never wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok wow this chapter was a lot harder to write than I originally thought, and it ended up being really angsty. but I'm finally done so yay! I promise we're getting a lot closer to the end, we're just a few chapters out at this point, but I think this is gonna be the last chapter thats super duper angsty (but things aren't better quite yet). But as always thanks for reading and commenting (and for being super respectful, like seriously), yell at me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo, and hopefully i'll update sooner next time (not likely but a boy can dream, right?). Thank you for sticking with this so long!


	8. Not Friends

Jared ended up going back to school on Friday. He was still probably highly contagious, but he didn't feel bad enough to justify missing class. It worked out pretty well; he had figured out a long time ago the best way to take a break was to minimize the number of school days in a row. And god knows after everything that had happened, he needed a break. He walked into school, desperately hoping the medicine he took that morning would kick in soon and make him feel less tired. He sniffed, trying to keep the dripping mucus in his nose, and walked through the halls towards his locker. Before he could get there however, he ran into Alana. She stopped when he approached.

"Hey, Jared…" Alana said this cautiously. He understood why. She cleared her throat. "I got your make-up assignments from the teachers. Come talk to me at lunch about it." Jared gave a thumbs up as he tried to pass her. "And Jared? Um, thanks for… well, you know… talk to me later, 'kay?" Before Jared could nod, Alana rushed off in a different direction.

Jared wondered if things would ever be okay again with the only people at this school he could actually stand being around. Zoe hated his guts, and he definitely deserved that, so that relationship wasn't likely to be fixed anytime soon. Alana was processing a hell of a lot right now, and he wasn't sure she would forgive him when all was said and done. And then, of course, there was Evan. Evan Hansen, who, coincidentally, Jared was approaching at this very moment. He was fumbling with something in his locker. And for some reason Jared couldn't stop himself from stopping right next to Evan.

"So I just passed Alana in the hallway," Jared said, unsure why he was initiating a conversation with Evan, "and it felt completely awkward. I really hope we get this figured out before we have to meet with The Connor Project again." Evan looked at Jared, slightly confused. Jared wanted to stop talking, but couldn't seem to figure out how. "Also, since you're kind of almost up to speed with me on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, I want to discuss some theories with you, because I have some serious concerns with the direction the show is heading—"  
"Jared, I've… I've been thinking." Jared stopped. Evan's voice was still nervous, as always, but there was something slightly authoritative to it. It surprised Jared. "I mean, I've been thinking about what you said. On Wednesday. When you were sick." Evan coughed, seemingly trying to find the words. "I didn't… I didn't mean to, like, ruin your life…" Jared raised an eyebrow. "No, wait, that's not—I meant…" Evan sighed and took a deep breath, attempting to start over. "You should be in charge of your own life. You… you shouldn't have to clean up the messes I made. And I haven't been responsible, I haven't done anything and you've… you've been taking on all the effort, and that's not right. It's not right. I don't want to cause anymore trouble, and I don't want you to have to worry about me before doing anything." Evan took another deep breath, as if about to say something important or difficult to say. "So… we don't have to talk anymore. I mean, we'll see each other during Connor Project meetings and stuff, and classwork or whatever, but otherwise… like, you don't have to see me at all, and you can go back to your life before I ruined everything." Jared stared at Evan for a second. Then he burst into laughter.

"You're shitting me," Jared said. He looked at Evan's uncomfortable demeanor, pulling on the hem of his shirt, looking away. And Jared stopped laughing. "You're serious?" Evan didn't respond. Jared scoffed. "Are you serious? This is what you want?" Evan finally turned to Jared, looking confused. He wasn't sure how to respond. Jared threw his hands up in defeat. "Okay then. Bye, Evan." He walked away from Evan, towards his own locker. If that was what Evan thought of their friendship, so be it.

"Wait, Jared!" Evan followed Jared through the hallway. Jared finally turned around, fed up.

"Who am I, Evan?" Jared asked, impatient. Evan mumbled something, not sure what Jared was asking. "What am I to you? What do you want me to be? Because, whatever it is you want me to be, I'll try to be that." Evan stood looking at Jared, mouth agape. Jared could tell in Evan's expression that he hadn't even properly considered all of this. In true Evan fashion, he had made a quick decision without considering the consequences of his actions. And in that moment, Jared couldn't find it in himself to be mad. He could only be sad. Jared sighed. He looked at Evan, a melancholy disappointment on his face, and grabbed Evan's shoulder. "Well, let me know when you figure it out. See ya later, I guess." Jared let go, turned around, and walked away. His footsteps felt heavy as he made the trek down the hallway towards his locker. He finally opened it, but couldn't find the energy to focus on anything in his locker. He really needed that medicine to kick in soon.

It was strange. There was usually so much anger surrounding everything about Evan. But now it was just sadness. He should be angry. He wanted to be angry. But being angry took a lot of energy, and he just didn't have any more energy to devote to being angry. He was tired. School hadn't even started and he wanted to go home.

"Hey, Kleinman." Jared groaned as he heard the voice.

"Not now, Holzer." Matt walked up next to Jared, smiling in a way Jared could only describe as reserved.

"Jared, come on. I figure we got some things to talk about." Jared didn't understand what Holzer was hoping to get out of this. Jared slammed his locker door closed and turned to face him.

"Matthew, I'm really not in the fucking mood to talk."

"That's exactly why I came over. Figured you might need to let some stuff off your chest." Jared looked at the boy, as if to say, 'are you stupid or something?' Matt looked around. "We should probably discuss this stuff in the computer lab. Come on." Before Jared could argue, the boy grabbed his arm and led him down the hallways, pulling him into the computer lab and closing the door behind them.

"Holzer, we have class in like two minutes."

"Ask me if I give a fuck." Jared would've grinned at that if he hadn't been too exhausted, and if he hadn't fucking hated Matt Holzer with all his heart at that moment. "Seriously, Jared, are you okay?" Jared scoffed. "I'll take that as a no." Jared rolled his eyes. Why was Holzer suddenly concerned with him, ever since the party? It made him annoyed. "Things alright with Evan?" the boy asked, curious.

"Oh my fucking god, my life does not revolve around Evan fucking Hansen!" Jared practically shouted. "I'm sick of telling people that and I'm sick of acting like it does. Especially when he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore." Matt looked at Jared, surprised.

"So… you and Evan—"

"No, I'm not fucking pining over Evan! I don't love him, I don't even like him. We're not friends. We're just people who show up in each other's lives at the worst possible moments. That's it. I'm sick of cleaning up his messes and he's sick of me complaining about it. Why are you so interested in this bullshit anyway? Why don't you… why don't you just got back to your people?" Holzer looked at him, as if asking a question. "Your people. You know. Your friends, the popular people, the girls who have a crush on you, your boyfriend." He said those last two words, almost joking. He really couldn't care less about who Matt was dating. He just wanted to rile him up, get him to deny it. The response was not what Jared expected.

"Ex." Jared looked at Matt, confused. His eyes slowly widened as he began to understand. He wasn't sure why the boy was trusting him with this information. But he had to respond carefully. Both acknowledging the information the boy had given while seeming to overlook it completely.

"Right. You can't believe anything you hear in this school." Matt shrugged.

"I mean, some stuff. Some people aren't so bad. Some people try to be honest. I mean, just look at Hansen." Jared almost laughed out loud at this comparison.

"Believe me, Evan lies just as much as everyone else in this school. Believe, me you don't want to know half the shit that's gone down between me and Evan." Holzer nodded, unconvinced, and opened his mouth as if to say something, but Jared cut him off. "And don't even think of saying 'try me,' because you really have no fucking clue just how bad it is, and I'm not gonna tell you." Jared sighed at this confession. Why was he still defending Evan, after everything? He couldn't pretend it was out of self-interest anymore. It felt like both he and Evan had been through too much. Jared shook his head, not looking at the boy in front of him. "I hate him."

"You don't mean that, Jared." Jared made a point of ignoring Matt as he walked towards Jared, in a strange attempt to comfort him. "Look, I know what it's like to have a close relationship severed. The whole time everyone's saying it's for the best. You desperately trying to believe that. But in the moment, it's like… nobody cares what you think. What you have to say about it. What you want."

"Don't try to compare your teenage heartbreak to my… falling out? Whatever. Don't try and say it's the same thing because it's really not."

"You're right. It's not. You've known Evan for way longer than I've known anyone I've been with. Just because it's not romantic in nature doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." Jared hated this. He hated it. What did fucking Matt Holzer know about his life? His relationship with Evan? Why was he suddenly taking an interest in Jared's life? Why were they even talking right now? Holzer sighed, sounding defeated by being unable to affect Jared. "Jared, I know you hate me. And I mean, I guess that's ok. But for the life of me I can't figure out why." Jared looked at Matt. He might as well confess everything while he had the chance.

"Because you're charismatic. You're popular. You do everything to water down who you really are to get people interested in you. And then you show a thousand different faces to make friends with people, you become a thousand different people, and not a single one of them is you. Who you really are. It's totally fake, and while most people are content with that, I'm not. I'd rather be honest about who I really am than play games to make friends." Matt looked at Jared, confused and slightly annoyed.

"Why can't I be all those people? Why does only showing certain sides of myself make me any less honest about who I am? We have to pick and choose traits to show our family, friends, teachers, strangers. It's not dishonest, it's showing different sides. If anyone's dishonest about who they really are, it's you." Jared looked at the boy, ready to contradict. "Yeah, you, Jared Kleinman. You act like you don't need anybody but you're dying of loneliness on the inside. You pretend like you don't like Evan but spend every waking minute being around him. You act like an asshole to just about everyone because you're scared to show people who you really are, because then you have to be vulnerable and being vulnerable means you can get hurt. But even that doesn't work out and you still end up emotionally destroyed by feelings you pretend you don't have.

"You wear so many masks that you don't even really know who you are. You don't _want_ to know who you really are. Because you don't think you'll like that person, and if you don't like that person nobody will, but your life would be a thousand times better if you just let yourself be because somebody will like you for who you are. Hell, _I_ like you for who you are and you're still shutting me out because of what I represent to you. The people I represent to you. The actual assholes of the world who will put you down for being you because they can. So you… you… you _assimilate_ to this asshole disguise because it's easier to be one of them then to try and fight them, all the while the people who want to get to know you are struggling to find the real you, so they give up and just… leave you alone." Matt took several deep breaths to recover from his rant. Jared couldn't even say anything. He was so shocked by how Matt was talking to him, and he couldn't even pretend he was wrong. "But that's the point, isn't it?" Matt sighed, "Or whatever…"

"Just four years. I just had to get through four fucking years without getting attached. Evan Hansen of all people ruined that." Jared didn't know what to say. Matt had read him too well. "I know that hating you because you're charismatic is dumb and pointless. I don't know why I just…" Jared shook his head. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry about… your heartbreak." Maybe Jared didn't understand heartbreak. But Matt had gotten it exactly right when he'd described what was happening with Evan. But there was one thing he still didn't get. "But why for the love of god do you like me? I'm a fucking nightmare. You pretty much just said so yourself." Matt shrugged.

"I dunno. I think you're an interesting person. You're loyal, almost to a fault. You fix Evan's messes after repeatedly claiming to not be his friend. When given the chance and motive to spill all of Evan's secrets, you refuse to. Hell, you picked him up from a party you easily could've attended and had way too much fun at just because you got a few messages and thought it would be a bad idea for him to stay."

"Well, that was almost entirely your fault."

"You're funny, joking even when it's not in your best interest to be funny. And in a lot of ways, you don't care what people think. You don't care that I like you, you don't care if people think you're an asshole, you just exist outside of the opinions of others. You're an interesting person. I think you'd be a great friend." Jared sighed. He wasn't sure how to feel about this rather odd confession.

"I just don't know what to do now."

"Well, you got one more year, right? Not even that. You just… get through. Just tolerate everyone else, they'll tolerate you."

"What about Evan?" Matt shrugged.

"That's up to you and Evan. Things will work out… or they won't. And it sucks, but that's life sometimes. Even if it sucks right now, you'll land on your feet."

"…Whatever. I guess."

"Jared, you're gonna be fine in the end. Trust me." The two stood in an awkward silence for a few moments until the bell rang. "We should head out."

"Yeah…"

"See ya later, Jared."

"Whatever."

"No, not 'whatever.' I'll see you later, and we will make amicable small talk, dammit. Ok?" Jared rolled his eyes, but smirked. He walked out of the room, pulling out his phone. Surprisingly unsurprisingly, there were several messages he had missed.

 

> **Alana Beck**   _5 min._
> 
> Hey I still wanna talk later
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _5 min._
> 
> But essentially I want to say thank you for telling me the truth
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _5 min._
> 
> And sorry you've had to go through all of this or whatever
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _4 min._
> 
> Cleaning up other people's messes is a thankless job
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _4 min._
> 
> But you've been doing it diligently
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _4 min_
> 
> I'm still having trouble processing most of this, and I think it's really messed up
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _4 min_
> 
> But I feel like you've been trying really hard to make things right and nobody really appreciates that
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _4 min._
> 
> Anyway all this to say I'm gonna be doing whatever I can to help you
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _4 min._
> 
> Think of it of relieving you from problem solving duty
> 
>  
> 
> **Alana Beck**   _3 min._
> 
> I'll see you later

 

He thought about what Holzer said. He just needed to survive the rest of the year. But perhaps pushing everyone away wasn't going to help. With Evan… maybe that bridge had already been burned. But Alana still wanted to talk to him. And Matt actually thought he could be a pretty cool person. Jared wasn't about to become BFFs with the guy, but maybe he could stand to form something of an alliance with him. He needed to be friendly enough to survive his last year at school. And in order to do that, he was going to have to make some changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, we're getting much closer to the end of the fic here. Next few chapters have some pretty big time skips, and I'll try to incorporate those as cleanly as I can into the chapter. There are really only a few left. Like, less than four I'm pretty sure. Of course I shouldn't promise anything since I never formally planned this fic out and I initially thought it would only be about six chapters. In any case, thanks for reading, commenting, kudos, etc. I've really appreciated all of it. Sorry for not being able to update this as soon as I would've liked, school got crazy not to mention the secret santa fics I had to write and the beginning of new weird longform fics, etc. Anyway, as always you can come talk to me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo and I love talking about deh and musicals and music. Thanks so much for reading, hope to see you sooner next time!


End file.
